unprivate diary.

There is a day where you feel like everything seems fine. The sparks in her eyes feels alive and none of them realise the silence she kept in her mind. Thousand thoughts. Numbness. Empty. She is there but her mind is out of nowhere. She kept the silence for years and now she believes that, none of her thoughts gonna be reality. She had finally realised that she is actually unwanted and should have make up her mind that she need to build the walls as high as no one could break it anymore. She turned out to be clueless. Is it worth her lifetime? After all those years, she wanted to see herself genuinely happy with her life. She thought the silence tears is bearable but then; today is the remarkable day as the tears had finally come to the downfall. She step forward and tell herself, at least you know the truth now rather than let yourself drown again. She convinced herself until she has finally close her eyes. Her heart is aching.  Her hand is shaking. The tears keep falling even her eye

Helluu people! Honestly, i have something to share regarding the journey that He plan for us. As time flies by, i started to realize that i had finally enduring the pain all by myself. The journey that i thought Allah has finally set up for me isn't actually for me. In fact, the journey had proved how fragile i am if i keep waiting. It has been almost two years and i had enough for asking Him to open his heart to realize that "i am still here, waiting you patiently".  Lately i have been listening to malay song from Hujan band. Currently most the song explain what is actually i feel. Refer to ku mahu kau tahu, kotak hati, jika sempat, muda and finally "kembara". "Ku Mahu Kau Tahu"  The song where i think the best way for me to tell that person no matter how far that person is, i just want that person to know that i am still waiting. I never once delete all those pictures and memories. I can't really explain what is actually "terbuku dihati ini&

((writing this while listening to Rita Ora's song Falling to Pieces)) It is almost 4am so well, hello and good morning peeps! It has been more than a month since i didn't open my unprivate diary. First of all, thankyouuuuu for this half year event that had happened in my life and thankyouu for almost 3.9k hit of viewers!  Throughout this half of year events, i believe that some already know how messed up i did to my own life. The bumpy road still exist and i believe that this is part of my healing and learning process. So today, i would like to share topic regarding on "Appreciating the journey of your life". This topic accidentally came out to my mind by the time i am struggling preparing myself with my final semester examination and something came across my mind where the silent thought inside me suddenly asked me; Am i happy with who i am today? Am i feel enough with what i had done to my life? Does the courage in me is enough for me to live p

Trust issue, doubt of every action that has been taken and being traumatic are actually due to the unexpected and unwanted event that had occurred in our life once in a lifetime. I had once, gotta deal with the trust issue bcs of friendship. Being doubt of every action taken bcs the trust issue had been broken before. I even once, live in a traumatic life and had been livied in it for a year. Nonetheless, all of those aren't matter anymore. What is matter the most right now is how i live to avoid from going through all those hard times again. I know we aren't perfect and might repeat the same mistake all over again but the truth is, the first unexpected event supposed to be the lesson to be learned. But the second unexpected event? It is where Allah " jentik hati kita " so that we realize that we actually lose his track for once again. "Alhamdulillah" bcs Allah still lend me those feelings for once again and at the same time remind me how wrack my li

Hello, peeps! As today is the last night of Ramadhan for this year, i think owe myself a memories to be remembered. The good and the bad memories that I've been through in this holly month. I swear, some of it was unbearable but i made it! Some feel like sweetest sugar that i ever taste but then, after all those memories i can conclude that "throughout my worst, Allah always prepared what is the best for me". Alhamdulillah, I'm proud of myself who had once felt so low but now I'm still standing on my two feets witnessing my own life where i think currently i did everything at my best. Here are some of the thoughtful thoughts that i kept in myself since last year; I used to be timid to walk away from my past life I kept putting myself into the undecided world All i see was the darkness but kept convincing myself; "To go through the sweetest, you gotta taste some bitter life"  FAILED!  ALL I RECEIVED WAS THE TOUGH AND BITTER LIFE. M

Me to myself; There's point in my life where i feel like i wanna cry hardly for nothing which it is currently happening to me right now. I wish to express to people but it remain undefined. I wish to break through this wall, but im afraid if i hurt myself even more. Apparently, all i can do is crying and seeing myself in the mirror is enough to explain my condition right now. Am i doing things out of desperation? Does it worth to cure your undefined emotions? ((The mind remain silent as nothing happens but tears keep burst up)) At this stage of life, all i need is myself to understand that life is hard but worth to go through it for a better future. I know i wasn't perfect enough and i know, most of the time my insecurities does kills me silently. But think about it again, it is worth to live in that situation? ((The numbness feeling remain silent while accompanying by the rain drops)) Here am i today, cried as hardly as the stormy heavy rain. I would like to p

Well hello people!  So what's the topic today? It is about grief, denial & truth . If and only if you follow up my unprivate diary journey, you probably know that I'd gone thru six different degrees in life where the post that I've talked about it had been retrieved to draft. But nah, it's not important at all right now 😌 UNPOPULAR FACT: THERE IS STILL GRIEF INVOLVED WITH LETTING A TOXIC PERSON GO. I agreed with this post 💯!! I admit that until now, me & myself still think about "where does it goes wrong?". But yet, I can't just let myself keep drowning in that feeling. I choose to learn to let it go bcs i guess that is the only best way to make me feel better.  Besides, at this moment i admit that i felt a lil bit lost bcs currently i involved myself with the annual camp for two weeks and yup, he is here too. I admit that i took time to blend with people around me. I really took time to tell myself to not ruin the walls that I've

It silently kills inside. At some point of my life where i thought everything has changed. From happiness to heartbreak. From being heartbreak to denial. From denial to acceptance. "I'm okay" "No worries" "I'll be fine" People probably think that i wasn't being honest to myself. But uhm little did you know that  Our mind is actually the one who controls our behaviour? It is not about i lied to myself. But I'm trying my best to not lose what i have right now. "Life is hard, isn't it?" Indeed, it is hard. There was a time where i think; "it is okay to convince myself that everything's gonna fine" I'm not lie to myself. But all i did is for myself to always learn that; Behind someone's action, there must be reason. I'm afraid of losing, so i choose to be feed my mind with positivity. At this stage of my life, i know that some people come and go but tha