unprivate diary.

There is gonna be a time, you're completely grateful for everything. You don't wanna miss every single second to live. To you; it is a "miracle" that has meant to be yours.  There is gonna be a time, you're completely crushed for what had happened in your life. It was aching but you keep confronting yourself "All is well". To you; it was actually a test bcs God always prepare the good timing for you. It was meant to be a lesson to be learned. The lesson that you wish not to learn. Indeed. Life is full of maybes that sometimes you wish to skip so that you won't be worried about what is going to happen next.  As far as i concerned about my own personal life; all i can say right now is "I am completely grateful for each lil thing that i had gone thru". I never thought i could be who am i today. I never thought i could hold on everything silently. I used to remind myself; "someday, i am going to look back and thanked for the unwanted versi...

 Bismillah. It has been for a while since i didn't update anything in here.  So, here i am. Assalamualaikum & happy Tuesday! 💫 As i am being private to myself, distracting myself from social medias, been shut down several accounts and here i am; readily to embrace and bloom for once again. I admit that i had once been so lowkey low and almost removed myself to every circle that i had live with before. Partly has been removed permanently and part of them are still here with me. I'm so grateful for it, the years, moment and life that we had cherish together will always stay in my memory. Forever and always!  The fact that today is the day that i feel rebirth for once again had made me really proud of myself. I never once had the thought that i am going through the current life that i am living right now. I feel like living in a fantasy but it is real. Now, i am truly understand the definition of "you can only love, when you truly let go". I don't really remembe...

There is a day where you feel like everything seems fine. The sparks in her eyes feels alive and none of them realise the silence she kept in her mind. Thousand thoughts. Numbness. Empty. She is there but her mind is out of nowhere. She kept the silence for years and now she believes that, none of her thoughts gonna be reality. She had finally realised that she is actually unwanted and should have make up her mind that she need to build the walls as high as no one could break it anymore. She turned out to be clueless. Is it worth her lifetime? After all those years, she wanted to see herself genuinely happy with her life. She thought the silence tears is bearable but then; today is the remarkable day as the tears had finally come to the downfall. She step forward and tell herself, at least you know the truth now rather than let yourself drown again. She convinced herself until she has finally close her eyes. Her heart is aching.  Her hand is shaking. The tears keep falling even her...

Helluu people! Honestly, i have something to share regarding the journey that He plan for us. As time flies by, i started to realize that i had finally enduring the pain all by myself. The journey that i thought Allah has finally set up for me isn't actually for me. In fact, the journey had proved how fragile i am if i keep waiting. It has been almost two years and i had enough for asking Him to open his heart to realize that "i am still here, waiting you patiently".  Lately i have been listening to malay song from Hujan band. Currently most the song explain what is actually i feel. Refer to ku mahu kau tahu, kotak hati, jika sempat, muda and finally "kembara". "Ku Mahu Kau Tahu"  The song where i think the best way for me to tell that person no matter how far that person is, i just want that person to know that i am still waiting. I never once delete all those pictures and memories. I can't really explain what is actually "terbuku dihati ini...

((writing this while listening to Rita Ora's song Falling to Pieces)) It is almost 4am so well, hello and good morning peeps! It has been more than a month since i didn't open my unprivate diary. First of all, thankyouuuuu for this half year event that had happened in my life and thankyouu for almost 3.9k hit of viewers!  Throughout this half of year events, i believe that some already know how messed up i did to my own life. The bumpy road still exist and i believe that this is part of my healing and learning process. So today, i would like to share topic regarding on "Appreciating the journey of your life". This topic accidentally came out to my mind by the time i am struggling preparing myself with my final semester examination and something came across my mind where the silent thought inside me suddenly asked me; Am i happy with who i am today? Am i feel enough with what i had done to my life? Does the courage in me is enough for me to live p...

Trust issue, doubt of every action that has been taken and being traumatic are actually due to the unexpected and unwanted event that had occurred in our life once in a lifetime. I had once, gotta deal with the trust issue bcs of friendship. Being doubt of every action taken bcs the trust issue had been broken before. I even once, live in a traumatic life and had been livied in it for a year. Nonetheless, all of those aren't matter anymore. What is matter the most right now is how i live to avoid from going through all those hard times again. I know we aren't perfect and might repeat the same mistake all over again but the truth is, the first unexpected event supposed to be the lesson to be learned. But the second unexpected event? It is where Allah " jentik hati kita " so that we realize that we actually lose his track for once again. "Alhamdulillah" bcs Allah still lend me those feelings for once again and at the same time remind me how wrack my li...

Hello, peeps! As today is the last night of Ramadhan for this year, i think owe myself a memories to be remembered. The good and the bad memories that I've been through in this holly month. I swear, some of it was unbearable but i made it! Some feel like sweetest sugar that i ever taste but then, after all those memories i can conclude that "throughout my worst, Allah always prepared what is the best for me". Alhamdulillah, I'm proud of myself who had once felt so low but now I'm still standing on my two feets witnessing my own life where i think currently i did everything at my best. Here are some of the thoughtful thoughts that i kept in myself since last year; I used to be timid to walk away from my past life I kept putting myself into the undecided world All i see was the darkness but kept convincing myself; "To go through the sweetest, you gotta taste some bitter life"  FAILED!  ALL I RECEIVED WAS THE TOUGH AND BITTER LIFE. M...

Me to myself; There's point in my life where i feel like i wanna cry hardly for nothing which it is currently happening to me right now. I wish to express to people but it remain undefined. I wish to break through this wall, but im afraid if i hurt myself even more. Apparently, all i can do is crying and seeing myself in the mirror is enough to explain my condition right now. Am i doing things out of desperation? Does it worth to cure your undefined emotions? ((The mind remain silent as nothing happens but tears keep burst up)) At this stage of life, all i need is myself to understand that life is hard but worth to go through it for a better future. I know i wasn't perfect enough and i know, most of the time my insecurities does kills me silently. But think about it again, it is worth to live in that situation? ((The numbness feeling remain silent while accompanying by the rain drops)) Here am i today, cried as hardly as the stormy heavy rain. I would like to p...

Well hello people!  So what's the topic today? It is about grief, denial & truth . If and only if you follow up my unprivate diary journey, you probably know that I'd gone thru six different degrees in life where the post that I've talked about it had been retrieved to draft. But nah, it's not important at all right now 😌 UNPOPULAR FACT: THERE IS STILL GRIEF INVOLVED WITH LETTING A TOXIC PERSON GO. I agreed with this post 💯!! I admit that until now, me & myself still think about "where does it goes wrong?". But yet, I can't just let myself keep drowning in that feeling. I choose to learn to let it go bcs i guess that is the only best way to make me feel better.  Besides, at this moment i admit that i felt a lil bit lost bcs currently i involved myself with the annual camp for two weeks and yup, he is here too. I admit that i took time to blend with people around me. I really took time to tell myself to not ruin the walls that I've...

It silently kills inside. At some point of my life where i thought everything has changed. From happiness to heartbreak. From being heartbreak to denial. From denial to acceptance. "I'm okay" "No worries" "I'll be fine" People probably think that i wasn't being honest to myself. But uhm little did you know that  Our mind is actually the one who controls our behaviour? It is not about i lied to myself. But I'm trying my best to not lose what i have right now. "Life is hard, isn't it?" Indeed, it is hard. There was a time where i think; "it is okay to convince myself that everything's gonna fine" I'm not lie to myself. But all i did is for myself to always learn that; Behind someone's action, there must be reason. I'm afraid of losing, so i choose to be feed my mind with positivity. At this stage of my life, i know that some people come and go but tha...

Hello, peeps!  Since it almost come to the end of 2019, i would like to share my  3 Major Lessons in 2019 ♥️ Frankly honest, my 2019 journey was actually full of storms and bumpy roads that some knew and some might not know about it. I swear that, it wasn't that easy but Alhamdulillah; here i am at the end of the year, still standing on my two feets and i can finally see each of those hard times did pay off 🙆🏻‍♀️ 1. Forgive yourself ☝🏻 Throughout this journey, i met this one person who thought me this lesson which is "to forgive myself". I always been haunted by my own past life where it makes me think; "for what reason i gotta face this?"  "where does it goes wrong?" "am i that bad?" .................... After i received that advice, i started to question myself again; "throughout the process for me to accept the fact that happened to my life, do i ever forgive myself before i forgive others?".  I feel bad to...

We all as a student mesti pernah terdetik "kenapa aku kena belajar subject ni? Apa function belajar subject ni? Etc etc". Jujur aku cakap, aku pernah terdetik mcam tu and aku pernah rasa nak give up. Time second year, aku dh siap² bagitahu parents aku yg aku nak tukar kos akaun ni kepada kos finance. But then along call and give me few advice. "Ingat tujuan utama awak kenapa awak nak sambung belajar". Ya, aku memang mintak kos akaun ni sejak aku rasa "akaun senang" time form 5 dulu walhal pada asalnya aku nak sangat masuk kelas yg ada ert time form 4 dulu hahaha tapi ibu kata kalau minat masak, benda tu boleh je amik kelas luar, belajar sendiri so end up stick dgn akaun sampai lah aku jatuh cinta dengan akaun lol drama sgt. Then aku teruskan dgn akaun sampailah aku betul² fail subject yang aku mmg takut untk amik. Level give up dgn akaun time ni rasa mcam speechless, dah la mmg dekat rumah, mcam mana nak bagitahu parents? Ah sudah, time ni aku nangis dulu ...

At some point in life, i started to wonder... " What is actually the real happiness". So today, i make up my mind and started to think that the real happiness is when you see the "good" in every situation that you go through. I know it sounds lame but we all human never escape from doing mistakes and most of the time, we are the sinner but it just happened in different way. It is just how we define it and how we learn from it. I bet you who read this, you probably have that one experience where you're regrets and hoping to turn back time just to fix it. Isn't it?  It was awful and hardly believe we all still gotta move on to the next stage in life.  Frankly honest, i started to make the experience that i go through before as the lesson for me to live now. I don't wanna live in that life anymore so i choose to distance myself from those who remind me of my past. I probably lied when everytime i said i already forget it. Major NO, I DIDN'T FORGET IT AT...

As time flies by; meeting new people, some stay and some walk away. I don't know it is just my experience or everyone gone thru the same thing but what i can sure is, we all go through those phases in life differently. Indeed, He tested us according to our limits and strength. Honestly, some experience bring me joy but some uhm how i wish not to remember.  As time flies by; i started to doubt towards people around me. "What is your motive to exist in my life?" I keep thinking about those unnecessary thoughts until my brain stuck for a moment. No matter how hard i tried not think about it, i will end up think about it over and over again.  Is that normal? As time flies by; i forgotten who i used to be. For almost 20 years i live by myself without you. I remember those days where everything was fine without you. I know who am i and i know how cheerful i used to be. But yet, everything started to fade away. Slowly, i tried to remember everything. I stumbled, cried hardly in...

Dear moon,  I don’t know how to start it but all I can say that I’m weak like seriously weak. Lately, I can’t sleep properly. I tried so hard to sleep well but I just can’t and couldn’t find any proper reasons for this thing. Sometimes I just wanna shout and cry bcs im too tired but why I couldn’t sleep? I need to have enough sleep since I got lots of chores to do on the next day. There’s one day, I’m too tired and already felt sleepy on 9pm. So, I make up my mind to sleep and the last time before I finally can close my eyes, I looked into my watch… and it’s 9.37pm. I felt nothing and I guess I sleep well on that time. But time flies so slow.. for sudden, I woke up on 11.55pm. LIKE SERIOUSLY? I still felt tired but why? Why I already woke up? I need to go to sleep back! But after few hours struggling to close my eyes… I still can’t sleep. It’s like… hm I can’t describe this feeling. And you know what, the day keep repeating again and again until now. I’m tired but only could slee...

"Love and to be Loved" It's part of basic human needs in life. But bear in your mind, Not everything that you "love", you'll get it. Sometimes you might have it, but then you gotta let it go. Sometimes you might not have it now, but later.. you'll get it. Sometimes you have it now, and still hold into it until now. And sometimes you didn't get it, and still not gonna have it. That's what we call "the possibility in life". When you get it, but lose it. Allah want to test you bcs He knows you can face it.  So stay calm and face it. When you lose it, but suddenly you got what you want. That means, Allah just want you to be patient. Stay patient now and you'll get your happiness in future. When you have it, and still hold into it. That means, Allah already give what you want. And it's your job to keep it. Hold it tightly, and never let it go. When you lose it, and will never have it. That means, Allah want...

When i look at your face, I feel happiness. When i look into your eyes, I feel the pain faded. When i talk to you, I feel calm. When i hug you, I feel warm. When i was at my lowest point, I feel you in my soul. When i'm with you, I thanked to Allah for giving me this kind of friend. The friend who lift me up when i was down. The friend who listen to my probs till 3a.m. The friend who dance with me without feel shame during riadah. The friend who laugh so hard when i'm trying my best to use "aku" "kau". The friend who help me reply those irritating text during recess time. The friend who become over protecting me when somebody hurts me. The friend who always entertain me just to make sure i'm okay. The friend i never knew that we could be this close. Ika, I do forget your birthday was yesterday. But that doesn't mean i've forgotten you. Bcs you're one of the unforgettable people that i've welcomed into ...