unprivate diary.

Me to myself; There's point in my life where i feel like i wanna cry hardly for nothing which it is currently happening to me right now. I wish to express to people but it remain undefined. I wish to break through this wall, but im afraid if i hurt myself even more. Apparently, all i can do is crying and seeing myself in the mirror is enough to explain my condition right now. Am i doing things out of desperation? Does it worth to cure your undefined emotions? ((The mind remain silent as nothing happens but tears keep burst up)) At this stage of life, all i need is myself to understand that life is hard but worth to go through it for a better future. I know i wasn't perfect enough and i know, most of the time my insecurities does kills me silently. But think about it again, it is worth to live in that situation? ((The numbness feeling remain silent while accompanying by the rain drops)) Here am i today, cried as hardly as the stormy heavy rain. I would like to p...

Well hello people!  So what's the topic today? It is about grief, denial & truth . If and only if you follow up my unprivate diary journey, you probably know that I'd gone thru six different degrees in life where the post that I've talked about it had been retrieved to draft. But nah, it's not important at all right now 😌 UNPOPULAR FACT: THERE IS STILL GRIEF INVOLVED WITH LETTING A TOXIC PERSON GO. I agreed with this post 💯!! I admit that until now, me & myself still think about "where does it goes wrong?". But yet, I can't just let myself keep drowning in that feeling. I choose to learn to let it go bcs i guess that is the only best way to make me feel better.  Besides, at this moment i admit that i felt a lil bit lost bcs currently i involved myself with the annual camp for two weeks and yup, he is here too. I admit that i took time to blend with people around me. I really took time to tell myself to not ruin the walls that I've...

It silently kills inside. At some point of my life where i thought everything has changed. From happiness to heartbreak. From being heartbreak to denial. From denial to acceptance. "I'm okay" "No worries" "I'll be fine" People probably think that i wasn't being honest to myself. But uhm little did you know that  Our mind is actually the one who controls our behaviour? It is not about i lied to myself. But I'm trying my best to not lose what i have right now. "Life is hard, isn't it?" Indeed, it is hard. There was a time where i think; "it is okay to convince myself that everything's gonna fine" I'm not lie to myself. But all i did is for myself to always learn that; Behind someone's action, there must be reason. I'm afraid of losing, so i choose to be feed my mind with positivity. At this stage of my life, i know that some people come and go but tha...

Hello, peeps!  Since it almost come to the end of 2019, i would like to share my  3 Major Lessons in 2019 ♥️ Frankly honest, my 2019 journey was actually full of storms and bumpy roads that some knew and some might not know about it. I swear that, it wasn't that easy but Alhamdulillah; here i am at the end of the year, still standing on my two feets and i can finally see each of those hard times did pay off 🙆🏻‍♀️ 1. Forgive yourself ☝🏻 Throughout this journey, i met this one person who thought me this lesson which is "to forgive myself". I always been haunted by my own past life where it makes me think; "for what reason i gotta face this?"  "where does it goes wrong?" "am i that bad?" .................... After i received that advice, i started to question myself again; "throughout the process for me to accept the fact that happened to my life, do i ever forgive myself before i forgive others?".  I feel bad to...

We all as a student mesti pernah terdetik "kenapa aku kena belajar subject ni? Apa function belajar subject ni? Etc etc". Jujur aku cakap, aku pernah terdetik mcam tu and aku pernah rasa nak give up. Time second year, aku dh siap² bagitahu parents aku yg aku nak tukar kos akaun ni kepada kos finance. But then along call and give me few advice. "Ingat tujuan utama awak kenapa awak nak sambung belajar". Ya, aku memang mintak kos akaun ni sejak aku rasa "akaun senang" time form 5 dulu walhal pada asalnya aku nak sangat masuk kelas yg ada ert time form 4 dulu hahaha tapi ibu kata kalau minat masak, benda tu boleh je amik kelas luar, belajar sendiri so end up stick dgn akaun sampai lah aku jatuh cinta dengan akaun lol drama sgt. Then aku teruskan dgn akaun sampailah aku betul² fail subject yang aku mmg takut untk amik. Level give up dgn akaun time ni rasa mcam speechless, dah la mmg dekat rumah, mcam mana nak bagitahu parents? Ah sudah, time ni aku nangis dulu ...

At some point in life, i started to wonder... " What is actually the real happiness". So today, i make up my mind and started to think that the real happiness is when you see the "good" in every situation that you go through. I know it sounds lame but we all human never escape from doing mistakes and most of the time, we are the sinner but it just happened in different way. It is just how we define it and how we learn from it. I bet you who read this, you probably have that one experience where you're regrets and hoping to turn back time just to fix it. Isn't it?  It was awful and hardly believe we all still gotta move on to the next stage in life.  Frankly honest, i started to make the experience that i go through before as the lesson for me to live now. I don't wanna live in that life anymore so i choose to distance myself from those who remind me of my past. I probably lied when everytime i said i already forget it. Major NO, I DIDN'T FORGET IT AT...

As time flies by; meeting new people, some stay and some walk away. I don't know it is just my experience or everyone gone thru the same thing but what i can sure is, we all go through those phases in life differently. Indeed, He tested us according to our limits and strength. Honestly, some experience bring me joy but some uhm how i wish not to remember.  As time flies by; i started to doubt towards people around me. "What is your motive to exist in my life?" I keep thinking about those unnecessary thoughts until my brain stuck for a moment. No matter how hard i tried not think about it, i will end up think about it over and over again.  Is that normal? As time flies by; i forgotten who i used to be. For almost 20 years i live by myself without you. I remember those days where everything was fine without you. I know who am i and i know how cheerful i used to be. But yet, everything started to fade away. Slowly, i tried to remember everything. I stumbled, cried hardly in...